Advice for Your Achy Breaky Heart After That Big Breakup
Breaking up is hard to do and recovering from that broken heart is even harder. That devastating feeling of losing your best friend, companion and confidante isn't the easiest to shake off. When it comes to overcoming heartbreak, everyone copes differently. Whether you knew the end was near or didn’t see it coming, the pain of splitting up is real and intense. Heartbreak can actually impact you physically, as severe stress can negatively affect your sleep, digestion and immunity.
Eventually, you’ll start to hear from friends and family that it’s time to “move on” from your past relationship. But that’s easier said than done. There's no one foolproof recipe, so I sought out the help of my trusty friends on the Instagram to share the best breakup advice they've either given or received on something I like to call #talktomethursday. The results were interesting and eye opening.
WHAT'S THE BEST BREAKUP ADVICE YOU'VE GIVEN OR RECEIVED?
"This is the perfect time to get your creative juices flowing. Some of the best works of art have been created by broken-hearted souls. I mean, have you heard Adele’s album before? This is the moment where you can get out your feelings, creatively. Who knows what you are about to create."
"Give it sound! Sometimes we cry in silence or try to act strong or sleep it off or get really busy but those emotions are brewing inside. They can be relief, joy, anger, sadness or pain but they are there. The best advice I got was when you feel it give it sound. Scream and punch that pillow (it fluffs them up really well by the way) laugh out loud like really loud, cry deeply sob drool snot all of that! Whatever it is let it out completely and release it from within you. It feels amazing and it gives you room over time to welcome what’s next."
‘I once read a Maya Angelou quote that said, “If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” I often used to overlook bad behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, excusing it as a once-off occurrence when it was actually them showing their true colours that would pop up in even uglier ways later on in the relationship. Now if I hear alarm bells in my head, I listen to them.’
‘My best friend has a mantra that goes something like, “This time next week this will hurt less, next month even less, and next year perhaps not at all.” The gist of it is that a break-up hurts like hell for a while and, though it can really drag on, I’ve found it’s nearly impossible for the intensity of the pain to remain the same. It’s like a light at the end of the tunnel knowing that I won’t care about this in the same way or at the same level this time next year (hopefully next month even).’
“The healthiest way to get over a relationship is to reflect on what you did well and what you could have done better during the relationship. This is a time to be honest with yourself, but also be fair. It is basically guaranteed you will come out of this much wiser than you were while in the relationship.”
"The best advice I've received was from Beyonce's I Ain't Sorry. Not to let the breakup interrupt my grind. Breakups, arguments, and rocky relationships are distracting and depletes my energy to the point of causing me to be unproductive and neglecting self-care. So when I feel myself slipping into that behavior, I turn on that song and get my life back in order!"
"I know this can be a hard saying to hear when you’re in the midst of depression, but it’s the truth when it comes to relationships. And sometimes the only thing you can hold on to during this low time is that mentality of 'it will all make sense one day.'"
"Hit that delete button. Goodbye phone number. Goodbye text messages. Goodbye following his or her social media accounts."
"Keep drinking. Seriously, drink water throughout the day...anytime you're about to cry, take a big gulp. You can't cry and drink at the same time. Tried it and it's true."
"You have a choice in how the relationship ends. You can't control other people's actions, but you can control yours. Don't make them the enemy. Things don't work often for couples. Even in the worst of situations keep strong, your head held high and you'll wake up every morning knowing your values and morals will not be broken. Every friend might leave your life, but they'll come back because your actions were those of truth and consideration."
"People are going to want to be there for you. Appreciate them and allow them to love you. The love of a friend can wipe the hard times away."
"It's silly, but after I was brutally dumped, my friend texted me a Max Ehrmann quote, 'And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should' — and I wrote it on a Post-it note and kept it in my pocket for a really long time. I knew my heart was healing when I forgot about the note long enough to accidentally put it through the wash with my jeans."
"One time my friend sent me a GIF of a little baby penguin running, then falling down, and getting back up again and continuing to run like nothing happened. She said, 'Look, if the little penguin can fall over and keep going, so can you.' We still talk about that baby penguin when other bumps in the road come up."
"'Your destiny was never tied to anyone who left.' There’s something better just around the corner, always! 🙌🏽"
‘My mom is really straight-talking and has always said to me, “If someone wants to be with you, they will be,” which is similar to her other favorite phrase: “He’s just not that into you.” I used to think she was just being mean, but with time I’ve come to realize that she’s right (classic mom). Sure, they said they dumped you because you deserved better, or because they needed space or whatever, but it can be boiled down to they just don’t want to be with you. It hurts to hear, but I find that the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on (to somebody way nicer).’
"You need to figure out what is best for you during this time. Spend time thinking about what it is you want for yourself. You probably spent a lot of energy on your previous relationship. Now you can take this energy, and focus it on you and your own happiness."
"When we are feeling hopeless, we need to know that better days are ahead of us. In the beginning, a breakup can feel shocking and devastating. Thankfully, with every passing moment, you are one step closer to a better day. Always think, if you can handle day number one, you can handle anything."
"You could use some positivity in your world right now. Call up those girlfriends of yours who are going to make you feel good about yourself. Invite your family members over who will make you smile. A little ray of sunshine can make a world of difference."
"This is the perfect time to get your creative juices flowing. Some of the best works of art have been created by broken-hearted souls. I mean, have you heard Adele’s album before? This is the moment where you can get out your feelings, creatively. Who knows what you are about to create."
"I told my homegirl, he's making you feel less than you are, cut him off and use the time to work on yourself for yourself"
"Sometimes after a breakup, we go back and forth trying to understand why. When someone reminds you, 'It’s a breakup because it’s broken,' it can hurt. But, it can also help. This reality can move your grieving process along faster, because you start to accept that this relationship wasn’t working out."
"My best friend and I have developed this theory, which usually bubbles up after breakups, that we call penduluming. Basically it's the idea that we are always correcting for things that didn't work in the past — so say you date someone who's closed off and uncommunicative, chances are the next time around your secret inner lizard brain will be looking for someone who's very talkative."
"There is no timeframe for the grieving process. Every person grieves differently, and that is okay. Don’t beat yourself up for still thinking of your ex, or crying over him or her. Let it take as long as it needs for you. You’re the only person who knows when you are ready to move forward."
"Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived. Live in the present and make it beautiful."
"Always remember your worth."
"Never accept less than you deserve and if what is meant to be will always find its way."
"Think of your ex as a bad habit. Sometimes your best option is going cold-turkey. Depending on the breakup, the only thing that will help you is having zero contact with him or her. No one said going cold turkey isn’t painful. But, much like ripping off a band-aid, it hurts like hell, but the pain doesn’t last as long."
"This is a lot of advice from a cluster of great people in my life, but basically it's to focus on yourself (living well is the best revenge) and better yourself. Give yourself and the breakup enough space, and do your best not to cave in to jealousy if, say, he or she is dating someone else."
"My friend didn’t get treated the way she wanted to in her relationship, but she stayed in the relationship because she was scared she would never be in a relationship again. This caused some problems between our friendship because I didn’t accept the guy she was with as he was constantly cheating and not making her happy. One day I went up to her and told her to leave him. Nothing else but that. I told her she doesn’t deserve the guy she’s with and that there’s so many guys out there desperate to find a girl like her ❤️ A few days later she announced they broke up and i’ve never seen her more happy afterwards."
"When I was going through a breakup my Aunt told me, 'There’s a guy out there right now who doesn’t know how lucky he just got.' It was great advice and so comforting! It gave me hope that everything will work out eventually and to not rush timing! Also, a piece of advice: if it ended, leave it in the past. After going through the motions of a breakup, don’t dwell on that person or go back to them. I know sometimes people get back together and it’ll work out, but for most people it never works out. Until then you won’t know so just let it go, work on yourself and trust that everything will end up the way it’s supposed to end up!"
"My dad always said, 'If it's meant to be, it will be.' So if you're having second thoughts about a breakup, don't cave in and be weak. Even though it's not working right now, maybe years later you'll cross paths again. You have to figure your own self out now, and you can't do that while you're ass deep in an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, you may not know how bad it is until it's over. Like really over. You'll find clarity being alone, and that's when you'll thrive. You can't force things or make someone love you. If it's meant to be, it will be."
"There is something horrifying about the emotional state you're in when going through a breakup: You're a pulverized, raw, garbage ball of feelings. My best advice is: USE IT. If your thing is writing, write the hell out of it; if your thing is dancing or tightrope walking or making a ton of money (lol) — do that thing. In those moments when you're up in the middle of the night feeling like you're being murdered in real time and can't sleep, you can take that energy to the page or to the piano or to the...whatever it is you do. Frequently, whatever comes out of that effort is a very direct representation of your cloudy, miserable mental state. But it's also incredibly freeing to get the feelings out. One vital caveat: Do not do whatever it is at the person. Write a letter but don't send it.
1) Lean into your friends, family, and people who love you.
2) Be ACTIVE. When my heart was broken, I started swimming, running, hiking, and rock climbing. It felt amazing to know that my body was still capable of moving, functioning, and remaining strong. I loved savoring each stroke and step. I'd tell myself: I'm blessed to have arms to hold things, hands to grasp, legs to move, and feet to stand on.
3) Get out! A broken heart can be debilitating, and I sometimes felt too weak/sad to make plans or be around people. But being with people was crucial to my healing. While it's important to have time to mourn, getting out reminded me that there was still a big, bustling, adventurous world beyond myself. It encouraged me to press forward and focus on everything I had versus everything I didn't have.
"After I got dumped, a friend told me 'I know for a fact that you'll be OK. When it comes to breakups, there are two kinds of people. People who think the best part of their life is their love life, who will have a hard time getting over it, and people who think the best part of their life is their career. You're in that second category.' It reminded me of who I was, what I cared about, and all the great things I wanted to accomplish that did not involve having a boyfriend. I got over it almost instantly, by focusing on my work. But I guess if you're in the first category, this advice sucks."
"Do not talk to the person that broke your heart. Do not look at his or her internet presence on any platform or in any form. Block that shit. Do your best not to talk to and/or follow his or her friends online, get rid of them for a couple months, even if they are your friends; they will understand that you need some space and you do and you will stay friends with them if it is meant to be but the truth is you probably have lots of friends that won't remind you of your heartbreak that love you whom it will be great to spend a little more time with anyway.
"If you get to a place where you feel embarrassed because you still need to talk to someone about your feelings about him or her, but you feel like a burden to your friends or are too embarrassed to keep talking to your friends about it, consider seeing a therapist and don't be embarrassed. It's important to talk until you are healed and that can take a while."
"I went through my roughest heartbreak a couple years ago. I showed up in the fetal position to my sister's home where she had the sisterly duty of getting me back on my feet. When it first happened my mom kept repeating this stupid phrase to me, 'When one door closes, another door opens.' It actually really bothered me at the time, but then again, everything really bothers me when I'm heartbroken. But now, I think about this phrase all the time. After the breakup I got to move across the country, live in New York City, be in the lives of my nieces and nephew, make new friends, and land a dream job in a field I love! So it IS true."
"Having your own space to talk about the breakup is vital. Going to therapy can help immensely and could give you that outside unbiased listener you need."
“Treat yourself with love and have patience to ride it out until the next opportunity for love comes around.”
"When one door closes another door opens! Ain’t that true. Sometimes doors shut on us, even if we didn’t close them ourselves. You feel like you’re stuck in a dark and scary room. But as time passes, you will find another door to open. And, when you open it, you’ll find a bigger and brighter room than you could have ever imagined."
"When the pain is unbearable, it’s vital to have a momentary distraction. Whether this is trashy reality television or playing that Kim Kardashian game on your phone for hours, do it. A little distraction goes a long way."
"It's OK to feel sad and shitty and heartbroken. It was those feelings of heartache, betrayal, and loneliness that shaped how I feel about love and dating today. It gave me perspective on what is actually important in my life. So BE SAD, EAT ALL THE ICE CREAM, and start to embrace the new life you just got."
"If you are one of those people who go from relationship to relationship, you might want to consider a dating detox. You can choose however long the detox needs to be. Standing on your own, and learning how to be alone and single is crucial. Through this process you will learn to love yourself, instead of finding love through another person."
"This seems simple enough, but what's helped me is to stop thinking about 'we,' start thinking about 'me,' and quit talking about it with anyone that will listen. It's really a matter of separating yourself from that person, not just physically, but mentally as well. It helps in figuring out what didn't work in the relationship, why it went wrong, or even just coming to terms with the fact that nothing might have been wrong, it all just sucked and you need to move on. Allow yourself to be as awesome, if not better, for the next person that comes around."
"Do as much as you can in real life, face to face, with real human beings. Skulking around online can feel kind of healing in a cathartic way, but heed this warning: There's absolutely nothing in your computer box that can replace the feeling of a real hug from a real friend when your heart is broken. Step away from the glowing screen and get lots of hugs from the people who love you."
