How to Really Make Friends as an Adult (Without Joining a Sports League)
When I sat down to write this piece, I knew I did not want a listicle with generic recommendations to meet people like “join a sports league”. Because we all know where the groups are. They are not hard to Google. We’ve either done it and not had luck or we’re too anxious to attend in the first place.
To get some real advice, I went to Katie Kurtz, a Connection Expert (my title for her). Katie is the founder and CEO of Her Turn Co., a movement working to redefine how womxn connect. I found Katie on Instagram and on a whim met her in real life at the second ever Her Turn gathering back in 2016. Since then, Katie has also been a constant source of support and inspiration for me.
What does Her Turn Co. do?
Her Turn guides womxn in deepening their connection with themselves and each other both on and offline. I do this through the It’s Her Turn Podcast, coaching, gatherings, and retreats.
How long have you been doing this work and why do you do this work?
Technically, I have always been doing this work but formally I launched Soul Connect in 2016 and transitioned with a name and brand of Her Turn change in 2019.
Connection is what I am all about. To be honest, I have always known that my life purpose is to serve. Even before I really had the words to explain it, I knew that was and is my path. That innate knowing led me to a successful career as a licensed social worker in the nonprofit sector but it left me feeling like something was missing.
In 2016, I held my first Gathering and became a certified coach and launched my business. This is my heart work and I am incredibly honored to be a space holder and connection catalyst for other womxn.
What is the difference between friendship and connection?
The way I see it, connection is the intention, energy, definition and vision whereas friendship is the action, commitment, direction and relationship. Not all connections lead to friendships but all friendships need to sustain through connection.
As humans (and especially womxn) we need connection as much as we need the food we eat, the water we drink and the air we breathe. It’s imperative to our overall health, well-being and happiness to create authentic and supportive connections with each other. And it’s equally, if not more important, to maintain connection with ourselves in order to design a life full of clarity, purpose and joy.
Why is it important for womxn to have connection in their lives, especially with other womxn?
Female friendships are renewable and sustainable source of energy for ourselves. Having strong bonds with other womxn gives us a sense of belonging and community. By being ourselves and rocking vulnerability, we open up to the realities of our humanness and mutual experiences that show us that we are not alone.
We ALL have stories when it comes to relating to other womxn. Some of our stories go way back and are often riddled with themes like distrust, betrayal, comparison and competition.
Womxn need connection with other womxn. It’s imperative that if you want that in your life, to get real with yourself about the stories you hold when it comes to friendships and relating to other womxn and find a way to rewrite the narrative. I believe that we can redefine how we connect. It doesn’t have to be found in spaces where gossip, commiseration, competition or surface level banter.
But in order to do that, we have to be willing to show up as ourselves and rock vulnerability and an open mind and heart to connect in ways you perhaps haven’t connected before. It’s possible, we are doing it every day at Her Turn.
Real connection can only happen when we have the courage to be ourselves. When we show up ourselves, we inadvertently give others permission to do the same. Then there is no room for comparison or competition, there’s only room for compassion and true connection. I watch womxn leave [my events] afterwards saying how they didn’t realize this kind of connection with other womxn was possible.
I’m new to Denver and this is the second time I’ve moved to a new city as an adult without knowing many people. A lot of times, I get unsolicited advice to “join groups” in order to meet people, mostly referring to Meetup.com kind of things. You’ve shared before how you sought out these types of events in search of connection but came up empty. Why do you think you weren’t able to find real connection at those events?
Making friends as an adult is hard. If we could all just stop fronting and say that out loud to each other we would then be able to stop feeling so weird and awkward about it because, of course it is hard! As humans, we naturally create connection around a thing-religion, culture, school, hobbies, parenthood, books, fitness-whatever it may be.
When we enter adulthood and because we go through many seasons of life, those centering things become harder to find. And that also really depends on where you live. You may have more options of stuff to do in a bigger city but that may feel super overwhelming. Or you may live in the Midwest and everyone seems to still be best friends with their first-grade reading buddy.
I have gone to so many networking events, meet ups, fitness classes and other activities. Sure, I met people but I didn’t feel connected. Because so often those events are centered around a thing (i.e.: work, fitness, etc.) and less on connection. We need more spaces where connection is centered so that people have the ability, time and space to really be themselves.
I believe and teach that authentic connection is rooted in five things: non-judgment (of self and others), permission to be yourself, empathy, shared experience, and mutual realness. We can’t create real, authentic connection by talking about the weather-that’s too easy and too safe. I don’t want to share business cards and have some transaction. I want to know how your heart is, I want to know what lights you up, I want to know who you are not what you do.
What would you tell someone that is nervous to go to one your events or an event where they don’t know anyone?
First and foremost, give yourself permission to feel nervous. Meeting new people and seeking new friendship requires a level of vulnerability.
Second, ask yourself first: why am I going to this? If you walk in clear on your why, it will definitely help you feel more grounded in your presence.
Third, lean in and be yourself. Authenticity builds trust and the more you are yourself, the more permission you give others to be themselves too.
My last offering is this-there is nothing wrong to tell someone you like or want to get to know better, “hey let’s hang out and be friends!”. Sure, it might feel weird but again, embrace it. It’s only as weird as we keep making it and chances are, the other person is feeling or wanting to say the same thing. If not, then those aren’t your people anyways!
Social Media gets a bad rap when it comes to people showing their true selves, and we grew up learning “never meet strangers from the internet”. But that’s no longer the case. That’s where we met! What has been your experience with meetings friends on social media and how can social media cultivate friendships?
Social media is where I have met some of the most important relationships in my life. I met my boyfriend online, my best friends, and my business collaborators. I always joke about how I grew up in the day of AOL and chatrooms with warnings at school about not meeting strangers from the internet. Now one of my favorite ways to connect is to turn strangers from the internet into friends!
I have my phone on me all the time-out of choice and also because of work, connection, etc. I knew if I was going to have this thing around all the time, like any relationship, I was going to have to treat it like one. If I want a healthy relationship with my phone and social media, then I need to really work at it in order to keep it healthy happy and with good boundaries. Starting with those parameters and definitions can be helpful as you pursue social media and online connections.
The rest is up to you. Find people you relate to. If you read their post and you are nodding like, “oh yea, me too!” then tell them that either in their comments or DMs. If you have an interest or something you care about or enjoy doing, join a FB group. That is a great way to build connections. Don’t hide out in the corners, post something and introduce yourself. It might feel weird if it’s new to you but embrace the awkward and try it out.
The only thing I believe you need to do is show up and be yourself. Everyone is craving real but how many of us are actually being real? It’s hard for sure! I struggle with it myself because I get caught up in aesthetic and whatever BS I feed myself. But I also know I create the most authentic and heartfelt connections on social media when I post and share about my real life, real feelings and real self.
You can learn more about Katie and her work at HerTurnCo.com. You can listen to her weekly podcast here.
